I feel like I'm slowly coming apart. Not just physically, not just mentally. Everything, very very slowly, all at once.
I've struggled with what I believe is depression for a long time. I often feel completely invisible. If I change something, for example my hair, barely anyone says anything to me - it's like no one remembers what I look like or what I like or anything. This past year has been difficult. I cry a lot, randomly. I feel sad and alone a lot. I went to a counselor/therapist two different times, once for a couple months, once for several months. I don't think she really listened either. She seemed to think that I'm just another middle aged woman having trouble letting go of a grown child and that if I just make some new friends and find some new activities, I'll be fine. I finally said what I thought she wanted to hear and she told me that I was fine, but if need be, I can always make another appointment. That's hardly likely. Now I feel even more invisible than before!
I've been in some sort of physical pain since I was a teenager, so approximately 30 years. Doctor after doctor has told me that there isn't anything wrong with me at all. I spent seven years in terrible pain with my shoulder, barely able to move it and crying every morning with the pain before I found a doctor that diagnosed me (partially right). The pain eased up for quite some time. I finally had surgery and feel much better. I was warned that I may need surgery again as it preparing to tear completely. But that's ok, at least I know. I've had headaches since I was in 6th grade. My mom told me to take an aspirin and 'knock it off'. When my brother complained about headaches, she took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with migraines and received medication. I've learned how to deal with mine, that's what I do. :) About 14 years ago, I saw a rheumatologist to see if my pain was related to RA (several close relatives have it). He didn't do any tests, simply put his hand on my joints as I moved them and announced that I have 'plain old arthritis' and offered me darvocet. No.
Right now I have my left index finger that is swollen and stiff and I can't move it in the morning. My right wrist is swelling and I can't put pressure on my wrist or hand or it feels like bones are cracking. My right foot feels the same way, minus the swelling. My lower left back feels like possibly a pulled muscles, but I'm not sure - I haven't been able to bend over to do anything without pain for over a month. I have a doctors appointment on June 10th, so hopefully I'll get some answers.
